In another pair of shoes that could be mine.

I am putting myself in another parent's shoes tonight.  I often try them on for size, hoping I will never have to wear them, but find myself needing to get them half way on before taking them off like it wasn't a good idea.  But, it is a good idea.  Empathy is a quality I strive to have.  Empathy puts me in my place and yet, feels like knowledge for future use. 

In their shoes, I can only imagine some of the things I might feel if I applied them in my life experiences:

1. I am living in a nightmare. This isn't real. I will wake up and she will be upstairs singing in the shower.

2. I am jealous because my child is gone and there are other children laughing and singing and crying and....living.

3. I am mad because other children who claimed to once love her ignored her, shunned her and talked behind her back, like she was a "drama queen, like she was negative, like she didn't make them "feel good" and I don't like to be around people who don't make me "feel good, " even if I dish it back just as fast as its served. I didn't want to be associated with anyone outside the cool group." 

4. I am mad because no one even cared to check up on me or her, when they knew there was a problem, or there was distance that raised a red flag. I am mad because avoidance isn't something to implement when it comes to the emotions of a 13 yr old.

5. I am sad because I will never walk her down the aisle, spoil her children, and send her Christmas bundles.

6. I want to trade places. Take me instead. I deserve to be the one because I let her go....I didn't do enough.  I didn't tell her I love her enough. I beg for one more day and one more chance.

7. I have to accept this, mostly because I have other children who need me and perhaps they are my second chance.

I will take that second chance.

Lord, help me to be a better mom, friend, wife, neighbor and coworker.  Give me the tools to say what I feel rather than just think about it or write about it all the time.

Give me my shoes back.

Disclaimer

I have no idea what really goes on or went on in another persons shoes.  I know that there are so many circumstances I don't know about. I sympathize with anyone who loses a child. I only know what I might possibly feel.  I pray I will never have to find out.