Swimming, fear, and shame

I was afraid to buy a new swimsuit this year. Actually, not just this year, but I was afraid to buy one for years. In fact, last summer we went to Hawaii and my old swimsuit was so worn out that you could actually see my "crack" from behind when I got wet.  I had to wear shorts in the water. 

This blog really struck a chord with me:

"So to the woman who is afraid to put on her bathing suit this summer I would like to say this: you’re beautiful. You don’t believe it but you are. Don’t let your fears rob you of living. Don’t let your fears rob you of your memories. Your memories, your kids memories, your loved ones memories… They will always trump what other people might say about you and how you look in a bathing suit (and frankly, if they do, what does that say about who they are as a person? Why would you let their demeaning character shape you?). Your memories will always trump your insecurity because you will feel nervous for only a matter of time (an hour or two, even half a day) but memories are forever. And if you have kids they will always remember the lady who got in the pool and had a blast with them; they won’t remember what you wore or how you looked. They will remember you. And how much they loved that moment with you."

http://blitheblog.com/to-the-woman-afraid-to-put-on-a-bathing-suit-this-summer/

So, this year I finally bought a new swimsuit.  I tried it on without even looking in the mirror.  I could get it on my body, so I bought it....and left the store.

I've always vowed to still get in the water and swim with my kids.  Even though the thought of anyone else seeing me in a swimsuit makes me sick to my stomach because, let's face it, I need to lose weight. Not just a little weight.....A LOT!

The memories I have of this and past summers will forever be in my mind.  These were the years I cried each time I pulled on my swimsuit...

These were the years those tears were worth it.